Doubts

Lately I have forgotten why I moved to Portland, or at least the main reason why I'm here. To write. And develop even further as a person in order to have distinct thoughts voice and experiences to contribute to my writing.

But lately I have been doubting myself. I recently heard about someone I know, who also moved to Portland to make it in his art, moving back to Sitka.

That news really shook me. Part of the reason being is that that person really helped me in discovering a lot about who I am today and inspired me to not only accept that but reach for it. To hear they turned back, that the world defeated makes me wonder who am I to think that I can be that one to make it. IF they can't, why should I.

I've also been feeling quite alone lately. I think partly because of the history with the above mention person. We used to be so close and knew each other well, but because of well complications, we can't be in each others life. The absence and reasons for the absence make me feel inadequate for the world. I guess that is a strange thing to feel. Like you don't belong in the world or with people, but it is what I have been feeling lately.

I've been making attempts at socialization lately, but feel so awkward at it, that I think it weirds people out. Even my relationship with my sister feels alianated. Like we don't really know who each other is.

I think I am going to watch Aliens. And look for new meaning in the movie and contemplate Dr. Harrington's ideas about "gollums"