Doubts

Lately I have forgotten why I moved to Portland, or at least the main reason why I'm here. To write. And develop even further as a person in order to have distinct thoughts voice and experiences to contribute to my writing.

But lately I have been doubting myself. I recently heard about someone I know, who also moved to Portland to make it in his art, moving back to Sitka.

That news really shook me. Part of the reason being is that that person really helped me in discovering a lot about who I am today and inspired me to not only accept that but reach for it. To hear they turned back, that the world defeated makes me wonder who am I to think that I can be that one to make it. IF they can't, why should I.

I've also been feeling quite alone lately. I think partly because of the history with the above mention person. We used to be so close and knew each other well, but because of well complications, we can't be in each others life. The absence and reasons for the absence make me feel inadequate for the world. I guess that is a strange thing to feel. Like you don't belong in the world or with people, but it is what I have been feeling lately.

I've been making attempts at socialization lately, but feel so awkward at it, that I think it weirds people out. Even my relationship with my sister feels alianated. Like we don't really know who each other is.

I think I am going to watch Aliens. And look for new meaning in the movie and contemplate Dr. Harrington's ideas about "gollums"

MIssing Something

One of my final papers for SJ was about that feeling deep in the pit of your stomach that your missing something. And the ways people found fullfillment. It seems that most use religion as at least a distraction from feeling the void. Socialization, art, work, family, philosophy were other ways of filling in the void. What seems to be the commom thread is that you just have to have something that you believe in and keep striving for and keep grasping for it. And that when you stop doing that you sink into the black void of feelings of emptiness. Is that all life is? Finding purpose. Just living. Is there an "answer" to the constant seeking. Or is that just life, and what keeps up evolving, progressing, moving forward, succeeding, striving for better. Is it just nature's way for growing or is there really a divine secret.

Anyway, I miss people in my life. I've been lacking in human connection, I, myself, am to blame for a lot of that and am making attempts to get past the blockades, but feeling awkward and out of touch.

Clumsy attempts aside. I miss having that person in your life that you can share almost anything with.