Stolen Poem

I was perusing URBIS, a writing site that I occasionally use and a came across a poem that used a phrase from one of my poems. The poem as a whole was oddly similar in theme as well.

Coincidence? I don't know but I'm no longer posting poems here.

Working

Well, at work and on a break. It's the weekend and a Sunday so super slow. Pretty bored and pretty sure it makes for bad customer service, because your dragging so much it is hard to be peppy.

Nervous about quick decision to go, but I think I need to. I also need another person to go maybe, at least that might make it better.

Anyway I should probably get back to work.

I'm super tired.

And don't get off for another two hours.

Costa RIca

To start off I wanted to rectify a mistake. Rebecca pointed out that It has not been four years of dating desert as written in the earlier post, but two or three. It just seems like four.

I feel that I have misled in the state of my well-being. My posts make it seem as if I am trapped in an endless spiral of worry, self pity and loneliness. I guess at times I am and at those times I find myself blogging to help get those thoughts out in the open so they are not trapped in my mind. I guess I should choose a less public domain to spew forth my insecurities, but I think it goes hand in hand with what I am writing and a desire to be heard and understood.

I wonder who reads this.

Anyway, I have decided to go to Costa Rica. As soon as find out how much time I can take off of work I'm booking the ticket and going probably in October.

Moving has taught me one thing at least. It is that you never can move away from yourself.

Since moving I have been trying to break free of some parts of myself that I am unhappy about. I'm not sure If it is working. Those of you who know me know that I can be incredibly quiet and somewhat closed off. I don't know if I have always been like this, and I am not 100% sure as to the reason why this is but it is something I have been trying to conquer. I've been trying to open up and connect with people and the world. I guess how can you really know who you are if it not put up to the test holding your own in interactions with others. I also think it keeps me out of touch with reality. Which i think makes it difficult for me to get through life. It sets me up for suprises and keeps me from really connecting with people.

I have been struggling with ideas of entering the dating world again. True I did date someone for the first time in like four years a couple of months ago. But that ended because I knew I had not figured out how to trust completely and knew that it was not fair to stay in a relationship where the other person is never allowed to see who you really are.

I think what keeps me from dating/getting close to someone is because I am afraid they won't like what they see. Because for whatever reason, maybe the christian upbringing that constantly told me I was a sinner, maybe the flashes of memories of being called worthless and of stinging bruises, maybe the yelling boyfriends that swore and cheated or societies message that I'm not thin enough, hip enough cool enough, I just can't bring myself to get up go out and really connect with someone. And If I do I pull away, afraid that they will come to their senses and realize that they really don't want to have be in their life.

Why is it that of all the character in the Watchman I relate to Dr. Manhattan the most. And is that bad?

Doubts

Lately I have forgotten why I moved to Portland, or at least the main reason why I'm here. To write. And develop even further as a person in order to have distinct thoughts voice and experiences to contribute to my writing.

But lately I have been doubting myself. I recently heard about someone I know, who also moved to Portland to make it in his art, moving back to Sitka.

That news really shook me. Part of the reason being is that that person really helped me in discovering a lot about who I am today and inspired me to not only accept that but reach for it. To hear they turned back, that the world defeated makes me wonder who am I to think that I can be that one to make it. IF they can't, why should I.

I've also been feeling quite alone lately. I think partly because of the history with the above mention person. We used to be so close and knew each other well, but because of well complications, we can't be in each others life. The absence and reasons for the absence make me feel inadequate for the world. I guess that is a strange thing to feel. Like you don't belong in the world or with people, but it is what I have been feeling lately.

I've been making attempts at socialization lately, but feel so awkward at it, that I think it weirds people out. Even my relationship with my sister feels alianated. Like we don't really know who each other is.

I think I am going to watch Aliens. And look for new meaning in the movie and contemplate Dr. Harrington's ideas about "gollums"

MIssing Something

One of my final papers for SJ was about that feeling deep in the pit of your stomach that your missing something. And the ways people found fullfillment. It seems that most use religion as at least a distraction from feeling the void. Socialization, art, work, family, philosophy were other ways of filling in the void. What seems to be the commom thread is that you just have to have something that you believe in and keep striving for and keep grasping for it. And that when you stop doing that you sink into the black void of feelings of emptiness. Is that all life is? Finding purpose. Just living. Is there an "answer" to the constant seeking. Or is that just life, and what keeps up evolving, progressing, moving forward, succeeding, striving for better. Is it just nature's way for growing or is there really a divine secret.

Anyway, I miss people in my life. I've been lacking in human connection, I, myself, am to blame for a lot of that and am making attempts to get past the blockades, but feeling awkward and out of touch.

Clumsy attempts aside. I miss having that person in your life that you can share almost anything with.

It seems that one of the most crippling feelings is fear, insecurity mixed with fear. Right now I'm afraid. Almost cripplingly afraid of not succeeding in what I came here (here being Portland and here being my life right now)

I'm writing. But it is as if I am afraid of my work and don't spend the time finishing it. I'm making friends but sometimes shy away from connecting to them. I've gotten a job but worry I'm not good enough for it.

I guess we all have these fears. (it seems I've heard rumors of such things) But how do we get past having our fears drive who we are and how we behave and move to being defined by the very things we are afraid we won't be able to do?

I hope so delicately I'm afraid the strings will break.
But with a bit of fine tuning, maybe my song will play.